I’ve always known, But never realized

A question that often comes up is: “How come you are suddenly transgender, now?” I’m thirty-four and could have realized my whole life that I am transgender. To be honest, I understand the question. For an outsider (i.e., anyone who doesn’t live in my head), it seems like a binary step. Yesterday, nothing was going on, and today I am transgender—the moment I spoke the words. Even though the people who know me don’t find it a surprising outcome, they sometimes feel like they missed something. And in a way, they have.

The process of discovering that you are transgender is much more subtle and happens mostly internally. It’s certainly not something that occurs overnight, though there can be a very specific trigger. In my case, I have always known that I wanted top surgery—ever since the day my breasts appeared. I found peace in knowing that this was an option and learned to live with my body as it was. Always keeping in mind that if I couldn’t handle it anymore, I would do something about it. Because of this, I never really had to think about it further—and so I didn’t.

Looking back, I can recall many conversations throughout my life where I would say that I probably should have been a man. But again, it was just something that just was, and I didn’t feel the need to reflect on it any further.

Something else that kept me from seriously thinking about this was the idea that you had to be struggling deeply to start a transition. I believed that the benefits would never outweigh the risks, unless you were truly unhappy. I wasn’t aware that you didn’t necessarily have to take permanent steps to explore these feelings. And honestly, I think I was also afraid of what I might discover if I did. After all, my life was fine—until suddenly, it wasn’t.

The moment came when it was time for researching top surgery. With that, I had to really think about what it would mean to me. That led me on a journey of opening up and really discovering. Questions like “What would it be like to live as a woman without breasts?” led to “Am I even a woman?” led to “Am I a man?” which finally led to “I am transgender.”

These questions were mainly answered by allowing myself to be open to possibilities and imagining how each option would make me feel. After finding the words that matched my feelings—”I would feel comfortable in my body as a man, and I am uncomfortable now, as a woman”—the moment came when I could finally say it out loud.

Everyone’s experience of realizing they are transgender is different. However, I do believe there is always an internal process that comes first—something the people around us don’t witness. In some cases, it seems obvious in hindsight, like in my own case. In other cases, someone might realize they are transgender without any prior external signs. There is no specific “transgender playbook,” which is what makes the process so unique.

I believe that by recognizing the positivity that discovering another gender can bring (as transgender), you can be confident in the decisions you make. Now, in this moment, all the signs where there. Throughout my life, there have been moments when I thought about being a boy and later about being a man. Looking back, I’ve always known—but I never truly realized.

The real question isn’t: “What caused this person to become transgender suddenly?” The real question is: “What made this person realize they are?”.